|Phillipians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.|
The surgeon had done his best to describe how Christopher's tummy would look after the operation. He had drawn everything out for us on paper, but it definitely was shocking looking at it in 3D. It's one thing to hear that they are going to cut your child's abdomen from top to bottom, but it is definitely another thing to actually see it with your own eyes. I don't know what I was expecting, but somehow this looked much worse.
Looking at the incision, I tried to remind myself that we had to do this to save him, but I still had feelings of grief and regret. Did we really do the right thing? Seeing him so tiny, so broken just made all the doubts come rushing back through my mind again. When he was first born, he seemed so healthy. We counted all his fingers and toes. He seemed so perfect. How did we get here? How did I ever get to the point where I actually thought this was a good idea, that he actually needed this? Boy, life sure does take some strange twists and turns.
At least he seemed peaceful. He was sleeping comfortably, so apparently the pain medicine was doing its job. I was very glad of that! The thought of him being in any pain at all made me sick. I began to think that I wished I could just trade places with him. Why did it have to happen to him? Why couldn't it have happened to me instead? No baby should have to start life like this. It just seems so unfair.
My mind went back and forth between "this was the right thing to do" and "this is unfair." Then it occurred to me that maybe it was both. Being sick and having to have a major operation is unfair, but at the same time it was the right thing to do. I tried to remind myself of what it was like before the surgery, and what it was going to be like now that they had fixed everything. I consoled myself with thoughts of us going home. We were going to go back to normal, back to the circus. I laughed as I remembered all the toddler chaos and laundry. I didn't think I could ever miss all that, but I sure did.
I tried to steady myself with the thought that it was just a matter of a few more days. He would recover, start eating normally, and gain weight. We would be back on track with the plan, and he would be normal after all.
If you have never accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you can pray like this: