He carried me

I can't emphasize enough how TRUE this statement is !

The feeding tube dislodging wasn't the only complication that we experienced.  Another problem was infection.  We worked really hard to keep the incision sites clean, but no matter how vigilant we were Christopher seemed to just get one infection after another.  Some of the infections were more surface level, and they could be treated easily with antibiotics through his feeding tube.  While others, required IV antibiotics and even surgery.

Here he is with brothers and friends havin' fun!

The infections would often come on quickly, out of the blue.  He literally would be fine one minute and sporting a high temperature and spreading infection across his abdomen the next.  I remember one afternoon I put him down for a nap.  As every mom of small children knows, nap time is "mommy time."  While he was sleeping, I took advantage of the opportunity to get a few things done around the house.  The dirty dishes and laundry were really piling up and needed my attention.  I love a clean and organized house, but I can think of a lot of other things I'd rather do than fold laundry or clean toilets. 

I have found that house keeping is better if I distract myself by having music or television on in the background.  Talking on the phone also works well, so I dialed up a friend and started vacuuming.  I was cleaning and talking for probably a couple of hours.  All the boys were down for their naps, and I had checked in on them several times to make sure they were okay.  I had even peeked at Christopher's feeding tube a couple of times to make sure all was well.  There was no redness, no fever. 

My friend was asking me how Christopher was doing.  I remarked about the problems we were having with the feeding tube, and how these horrible infections would just come out of no where despite our best efforts to prevent them.  I even commented that I could literally put him down for a nap, and when he woke up it would be time to make a run for the emergency room.

I should have never said that.  The irony of that statement would come back to haunt me.  I no more than hung up the phone, when I heard crying from upstairs.  It was Christopher.  I ran up to his room thinking he was just waking up from his nap and needed his tummy drained.  As I went to insert the NG tube into his nose, I realized that his skin was hot.  I lifted up his t-shirt and found out why.  His abdomen was cherry red and I could see the infection spreading around his back. 

I went into cruise control mode.  I was on the phone with the doctor at the emergency room, packing up still sleeping kids, and loading gear into the car all at the same time.  I made arrangements for someone to meet me at the hospital to pick up Michael and Ryan.  Poor guys, I always felt so bad for them.  They just never knew what was going to happen next.  One minute we would be having fun making cookies or coloring pictures, and the next minute they were being whisked off to the hospital.  They never knew where they were going to sleep at night or how long they would be there.  They were such good sports about it all.  Life had become so unpredictable!

At the hospital I handed off Michael, Ryan, and their suitcases to my sister, Shelli.  The emergency room staff were expecting us.  It didn't take much of an examination to see that Christopher would need to be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics.  He had a terrible, fast-moving infection.  The big question was, would he need any type of surgical intervention? 

Things moved quickly.  Consultations with specialist were being arranged, IV antibiotics were being given, and we were moved to a hospital room.  What would happen next?  How long would we be there?  There were no answers.  The only thing that seemed certain was uncertainty.

This poem captures it all!

People often ask me, how do you learn to deal with uncertainty?  My answer is God.  I don't have the capacity within myself to do it without Him.  I don't like change.  I want to have control over things, but in this situation I had to learn to let go.  I had to learn to lean on Him, trust Him.  He gave me an incredible gift to help me.  He carried me.  This thing was too big.  There was no way I could walk alone, so he carried me and took me where we needed to go.

God also taught me to stay calm and not panic.  I really can't say that early on in my life I had that ability, but somehow throughout all of this I learned to "do well in a crisis."  God showed me that I needed to deal with what was right in front of me, and that He would carry me the rest of the way. It was a huge blessing!

God carried me.  He carried Christopher.

None of this is to say that I just skated through without fear, frustration, and tears.  I'm human, so of course I was upset sometimes.  Other times I was angry and scared.  I experienced all kinds of emotions.  It's just that God was there with me.  He was holding me and carrying me.  More importantly, I knew that He was holding and carrying Christopher.  Our God is an awesome and loving God!


If you have never accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you can pray like this:

More tomorrow...