The only thing I did have control over was my reaction to all of this. I could spend my time pacing the floor, wringing my hands, and worrying until I was completely frazzled... OR I could enjoy every moment with my son. I didn't know how much time he had left, but then again I didn't know how much time I had left. None of us really do. I decided that I would miss out on a lot of life if I wasted my time worrying about death. I made the decision to concentrate on life, concentrate on the here and now. What would happen tomorrow, or next week, or next year was out of my control anyway.
Today was more than enough for now! The infection was really raging. His abdomen was red, and there was infection oozing from the feeding tube. IV antibiotics and fluids were dripping in, but it was still too early to say whether or not they would be effective in killing off the bacteria that was assaulting Christopher's body. There was talk of surgery. There was the possibility that they might need to open his abdomen up, and try to clean out any abscesses that may have developed. It was a "wait and see" situation, or as the surgeons were fond of saying...we have to wait for the situation "to declare itself." Give it more time. It was a waiting game, a lesson in patience.
Meanwhile, his fever was red hot, and so he was very uncomfortable. He had Tylenol "on board" to help with the fever, but it's effect was only marginal. His feeding tube had been turned off, and an NG tube was constantly draining his tummy. The diarrhea had started up again, and it was really fierce this time. Poor Christopher was a mess!
Everything that could be done had been done. Nothing left to do now but try to make him as comfortable as possible. I did what I could. I decorated his hospital crib with some of his favorite things from home. I wrapped him in his favorite blanket as he tried to soothe himself by sucking on a pacifier. "Return to Pooh Corner" by Kenny Loggins was playing in the background. We listened to the soft music and rocked back and forth to the slow beat of the melody.
As we rocked, I tried to remind myself to treasure these moments with him. Treasure the time we had been given. This wasn't the way I had ever envisioned that things would be, but it was the way that things were. I couldn't do anything to change that, but I could be here with him. I could do my best to make things better for him. I could make sure that he was never alone. Besides, God was here with us too. He was carrying us, and He had a plan.
Sara flashed through my mind again. She was with Jesus. No more pain. No more cancer. I thought of her parents. They couldn't hold her and rock her anymore. It made me hold Christopher a little tighter as I thought about the fact that I had been blessed with this moment. I wasn't going to waste a second of it. After all, tomorrow would take care of itself...God had a plan for that too.
If you have never accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you can pray like this: