"To eat or not to eat"

Things were looking up.  The slow and gradual strategy was working.  Christopher was tolerating the tube feedings, and so the doctor decided to increase the rate.  If all went well, he would be getting formula through his tube soon.  In order to go home, he would need to be able to tolerate full strength formula at his regular rate.

"Eating" through a tube...it's not much fun, but it gets the job done!

Tube feeding is always a slow process, especially when it is going into the intestine.  The rate is intentionally slow.  God designed the stomach to be a "holding tank" of sorts for the human body, but the intestine was never intended to be a storage vessel for food.  When you do tube feedings using the intestine, you have to go slow in order to allow enough time for the food to make its way down the 20 some feet of intestinal tract.  The intestine can only handle a small volume of formula at a time, so the flow rate of formula has to be slow and measured.  As the patient gets older and the diameter of the intestine increases, the rate can increase accordingly.  Intestinal volume, flow rate...it all seemed to make eating so complicated and clinical.  Eating is supposed to be easy, natural, and FUN! 

Because I have always loved eating, I grieved for the fact that Christopher was unable to enjoy all the flavors, smells, and textures of food.  Eating is such a big part of life.  Think about it. Every event, every holiday, every social get together usually revolves around food.  It's the first thing you think about when planning a party, business meeting, or vacation.  Should we have coffee, donuts, or coffee and donuts (I vote for coffee AND donuts).  Should we cook or go out (I vote go out)?  Do you feel like Italian, Mexican, or maybe Chinese (depends on the day and my mood)?

Eating is something we do everyday.  We can't live with out it, and we wouldn't want to.  We spend a lot of time planning it, shopping for it, and cooking it.  I am not much of a gourmet chef, but I definitely am a foodie.  My husband always marvels at the fact that no matter how unfamiliar the city, I have an uncanny ability to find the best (and usually the most expensive) restaurant in town.  It's a gift, a talent I have developed.

Hang your dinner on here! Bon appetite!

It was hard for me to accept that Christopher would NEVER be able to enjoy one of life's most simple pleasures, eating.  What about Christmas cookies, birthday cake, and Thanksgiving dinner?  Will he miss out on all these yummy traditions?  What is he going to do when he goes to a restaurant with friends?  What will he say when someone offers him coffee at a business meeting?  Imagine NEVER EATING again.  Imagine never enjoying your favorite food or trying a new food for the first time. 

His "way" of eating was so unsatisfying, so artificial.  As I listened to his tube feeding machine deliver the formula into his intestines, I felt sorry for him.  I grieved for his loss, and I even felt guilty for being able to drink the coffee and eat the cookie I was holding in my hand.  He would never enjoy these things, and here I was eating in front of him! 

As bad as not eating sounded, not living sounded worse.  I tried to remind myself that he was lucky.  He was blessed.  If it wasn't for this crazy tube feeding thing, he would be dead.  Besides, there are plenty of others things in life that are just as important like family, friends, weddings, parties, vacations, a good movie or book, and the list goes on and on.  I just wished that eating was on that list for him. 

As I debated with myself, I looked at my son.  He was peaceful and content.  His incision was healing nicely, and the infection was all but gone.  They were still giving him antibiotics as a precaution, but his fever and pain had completely subsided.  The tube feedings were progressing, and there was talk of him going home.  There's a word that I hadn't let myself think about too much lately, "home." 

If you have never accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you can pray like this:

More tomorrow...